Love Songs
by At A Venture
Summary: ES/ESN. This is a series of un-related blurbs, "songs" between lovers.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: These stories are joined together primarily because they're all quite short. They shouldn't be read as "chapters" in a larger continuum. There is no larger story here. These are only short/brief one-shots tied together by a common theme. Enjoy!_

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I stared at the sky but I couldn't focus on anything real. What was I seeing? What was I really looking at? Did any of this matter? Do I matter? I felt his hands on my skin and everything faded away. Bliss blurred the edges of my psyche and it no longer mattered if I could see at all. Blindness was a welcome lover, an intimate friend. We got along well and I invited him in. Our arms intertwined. Our fingers braided. I held onto him as though I knew he would be torn away at any moment. Don't let go of me. Don't leave me. Let's stay together, just like this.

Just like this.

In the heat, the humidity, his cool skin was liberating. I clamored to be close to him, to kiss the soft ripples of his musculature, to bathe in the gentle stream of cold blood that ran beneath his flesh. I could taste him on my tongue before I could really taste him. There's nothing like him, nothing like that elixir. Ambrosia. Food of the Gods. Whatever you want to call it, it flows through him, a fountain. I licked my lips, dry and getting drier, but the moisture burned away. Nothing could keep me damp, nothing but him.

Nothing but him.

We danced together beneath the breathing moon, two exotic creatures. Bound, laced together, we were the most perfect of partners. Our shadows fingered the hot grass. Our golden manes curtained off the night. I drifted in the ocean of his deep blue eyes. I drowned in the cool sea of his mouth. He pressed my wrists over my head, pushed me down, farther and farther. I am a captive. I am a slave. I am yours. I bit at his arrested lip and soaked in the sound of his dark voice. You belong to me, my lover.

My lover.

He is inside me and all around me. He fills me, a cup brimming, overflowing. Each drop of him rolls down my lips and stains my trembling skin. My hushed cries echo in the empty night. The stars are listening, spirits wishing they were in my place. No one can take my place when I am with him. There is no escape from here, from this moment, from this time. My flesh reacts and I draw him in. Closer now, lover. Come closer.

Come closer.

Hold me. Take all of me into you. Cherish me and worship me. Feed me and fill me. This is perfection, here under the summer night. Blinded, I still see you. I will never stop seeing you. You radiate in my mind like the beams of the violent sun you'll never see. Soothe me. Tell me I'm safe. No lies. No secrets. Change the world for me. Chase the nightmares and welcome the dreams. Come into me, I'll appear within you.

I'll appear within you.


	2. Chapter 2

Just make me feel safe. I don't feel safe with you. I don't feel safe with anyone. I'm not ready to be here and I want to be here. I want to be here with you, but I'm not ready. He's holding me back. The memory of him is holding me back. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to drop everything and run into your arms. I don't want to be bound to you. I need to be free. But please make me feel safe. Tell me you're not going to hurt me and make me believe it. Tell me you'll follow me; that you're not ready to let me go. Commit to me even though I don't want to commit to you. Tell me you're ready because I'm not ready.

Kiss me. Dive inside me and let me feel what it's like to be close to someone again. Kiss me. Your tongue caresses my lips, my tongue. We intertwine like braided roots. I'll wrap an arm around your neck, just enough to keep you close to me, enough that I can still escape when it's time to run. Give me the chance to let go if I need to let go. Don't stop kissing me until then. Dip past my lips and press your hungry mouth against my throat. Show me your urgency, your desperation. Show me you want me. Your finger crooks under my chin, lifts my face, searches my eyes. I can't look at you. I'm afraid to look at you. That's okay. Everything is going to be okay.

The edge of your finger traces my clavicle, my shoulder, dancing down my side. You curve your palm around my breast. I haven't been touched like this in such a long time. I don't know that I've ever been touched just like this. I turn my eyes away, afraid to watch you, to look at you. Maybe I'm a little screwed up. Please let that be okay. Please don't stop just because I'm afraid to open my eyes. I'm afraid to open my eyes. My skin is gooseflesh, hot and so cold. Don't reject me. Oh please, don't stop because I'm not ready.

Your soft hand finds my face, masked and shut down, closed off and tucked away. You trace the bulb of my cheek, my dry lip. I'll react, kiss your knuckles, nuzzle your warm skin. I'm shivering. I don't know if I'm cold or just nervous. It doesn't matter. You kiss my flesh, though I'm ashamed of it. You find me beautiful. You don't tell me. I wouldn't want you to tell me, not now, not here. This is already so much harder than it should be, and why make it worse?

Every kiss seems sinful. Every touch brings fear. And yet, I know it's going to get better. It's you. I'm not afraid of you. I want you to have me, to want me, to thrill me. I want to make you happy and at the same time, allow myself that happiness. Too long I've been hiding myself away, waiting for forgiveness, for the guilt to pass. It may never. Maybe that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. Maybe all that matters is that I'm not alone.

I've been thinking all this time, and I've been letting you in. And now you're in. The doors are unlocked, pushed open. We're letting the darkness in. I want to find myself able to look at you, but I can't. Your thumb slides up along the side of my face, brushes my temple. Look at me. I won't hurt you. It's only me. You're safe with me. And I can't and I can't and I can't and I can't.

But I do.


	3. Chapter 3

I watched the sun melt into the horizon, and I thought of you. Color washed the twilight, pinks and purples staining the empty spring sky. I thought of you. That glowing star that rises high in the east and splashes the day with warmth, it keeps us apart. It is the one thing in all the world that separates my love from your love. Shouldn't I hate it? Shouldn't I long to see it fall beneath the equator each evening? Shouldn't I curse its name, its existence, and pray for the time when it leaves me?

Here I stand, the cool grass beneath my feet, the fireflies dancing about my knees, wishing the day were still upon me. This entity, it separates us. It holds us like inmates, held apart by stalwart iron bars. And yet, I could not imagine a life without it, without the beams of burning light, without the flutter of rays through my bedroom window, without the crimson morning sky. I do not loathe it, though it seems that I should. I do not regret its consistent return. I look forward to our rotation toward it again.

I can hear your footsteps displacing the grass. You'll taste the sun on my skin, and it is the closest you will ever come to it. In an instant, you both love me and hate me. I taste like a spring day, warmed by the sun and cooled by a light breeze. The heady scent of fresh grass, flower petals, and flickering leaves taints my tanned skin. I am sunscreen, lemonade, and barbeque smoke. I am the things you miss and will never see again. I am a reminder of better days.

Some part of you aches to leave me. You could turn away and never come back. I am torture to your psyche. I am blight to your soul. I am only an interpretation of something you cannot see. Why bother explaining the experience if you cannot enjoy it for yourself? But at the same time, you cannot tear yourself away. You cannot bear to sever the only tie you have to the day. You miss it, as I miss it.

We do not hate this thing that keeps up apart. We do not curse it, wish that it were gone. We are only envious of what we cannot have, and appreciative of what is ours.


End file.
